Fair Warning

Sorry that this is so long.

I just finished reading this article: and I had to sit back from my computer for a few moments and take some deep breaths. I had no idea that I still had so many raw feelings (really bad pun, I know--you'll see why in a minute)about breastfeeding. I never, EVER considered that I wouldn't nurse my babies. The thought never even registered in my mind. That is why it came as such a shock to me that it was so hard. And by hard I don't mean inconvenient or annoyingly difficult. I mean it felt like someone was slicing my breasts with a knife. Repeatedly. For 20 minutes on each side every 3 hours day and night. I am not exaggerating. It was an absolute disaster. If you can picture this: a screaming, crying, hungry baby being held by a mother who was also screaming and crying because she was in so much pain. We made quite a pair those first few weeks. And then there was the time where we rushed the baby to the dr. because she was spitting up blood only to find out that it was my blood, and the bout with Mastitis, and the 102 fever, on top of being in a lot of pain because I had just birthed a GIGANTIC baby, and being strung out on postpartum hormones...ahh the memories.

I tried to make it work, I really did. I read books, I read articles online, I called the hospital, I saw my OBGYN, I saw my Dr., I even got help from a sweet lady at church who worked with a lactation consultant and had nursed both of her babies, but to no avail. They all said the same thing--she's latching on great...you're doing everything right...but nothing made the pain go away. It only got worse. And so I prayed. And I kept praying, and begging, and pleading that somehow God would help me make nursing work.

And then there were the comments and the "support" I got from friends and family. NO ONE supported my decision to switch to formula. Everyone insisted that I stick it out. Even my grandmother called me from 300 miles away to tell me that every one has a hard time and to not quit. And I know they all meant well, but they weren't there. They didn't know what it was like. They didn't know what I was going through. The only thing their comments did was solidify the fact that I was a wimp and a quitter and that I wasn't willing to do the best thing for my baby. After all, I grew up with the "knowledge" that formula-fed babies ended up sick all the time and had allergies.

It got to the point where I dreaded being with Caroline. In those days time spent with Caroline=much pain. And then I went to my OBGYN again and he said what no one else had said to me. He said that it was true that "breast is best" but if you weren't bonding with your baby, you were dreading spending time with her, and weren't getting any sleep then it is O.K. to switch to formula.

That was what I needed. I just needed someone to tell me that it was o.k. That switching wouldn't make me a bad mom. And you know what? After I switched to formula the pain went away. I started sleeping at night which did amazing things for me emotionally. I stopped crying all the time. I was able to look at my baby as a wonderful little gift and not a source of pain and agony.

And why did I write all of this. Partly because it feels good to get it all out, and partly as a warning. Picture me saying the title of this post with a very stern face. I am about to have another baby. And I will try to nurse him. Hopefully I will succeed, but there is a chance that I won't. And I refuse to make my life and the lives of those around me a living hell because my pride and my need to please others. So let this be a lesson to you. If you see a new mother, don't go up to her with a smile and say "breast is best". She knows. Just give her a hug, coo at the new baby and leave her alone. Sometimes it is the most well-intentioned remarks that hurt the worst.